What Alexx Did With His Heart

Grasping Just A Piece of Who Jesus Really Is Gives Peace

Watch “The Hem of His Garment” on YouTube

Sometimes we can feel so far away from God and wish Christ was here in the flesh so we could just touch even the edge of His robe…then we realize, come to learn & understand that He clothes us, He surrounds us with His Spirit so that we may be healed.

As I look back at what my son Alexx did with his life I see a young, young man who always learned things the hard way.  It was who he was. But no matter how bad things got he seemed to learn from it.

When he left his teen years he began to search for something more in life. He went down a deep dark road and experimented with drugs which only made his mental health issues worse. 

After his last hospitalization he continued to meet with a support group and I continued to pray he’d find some type of balance.  I knew from my own experience of trials & errors that there is no easy answer but each of us have to find our own balance. Many times it takes a group of others to help support you in order to get on  your own two feet and stay there.

While Alexx was in that support group and we were communicating daily with each other, even from a great distance across the state of Florida, I watched him slowly change. 

In 2013 we went together to a camp just for men and  I noticed he was picking up his bible more and again was searching on his own.

The by the next time (a year later) this men’s camp rolled around Alexx was totally committed to a relationship with Jesus and it made all the difference in the world to him.

He & I were still struggling with our manic depression but spiritually we shared this hope & peace with God.

Physically I was getting worse. Back in April of 2012 I was in a bad accident and Alexx came to live with me for a short time to help me but that was when he was still leaning on pot & synthetic pot as an escape from mental health issues/illness. 

By 2014-2016  Alexx was getting in the best shape possible, physically & spiritually and this helped him mentally as well.

I know that the common mistake with people, such as  Alexx & I who are manic depressive  (bi-polar), is that when we are doing well we think we don’t need the medication given to treat our illness. Too often people stop taking it.

There is sometimes complete healing, I have no doubt, but I also know that while in this world, in these earth suit we call a body, we are foolish to not allow God to use others (professionals, friends, family) as well as medication,  groups & therapy.

Alexx had things together physically. He was going to a gym every day. He was riding his bike to work & back every day. 

Spiritually Alexx had it together.  He was in communication with God every day. He was sending out God’s Word every day to over 50 individuals via texts.

Just before he died he stepped away from work to take his first paid vacation.  He ussually would continue to workout regardless of if it was a long weekend or a holiday but he stepped off the gas a little physically while on vacation.

That was okay and I told him to not let his physical well being or his mental well being fool him into thinking he was off spiritually.

While on that week of vacation he came to visit me and then went to a Christian rock festival, then went and visited his mom.

He expressed to us some of the stress he was dealing with and I could tell he was a little off mentally but tried my best to encourage him and tell him, “Everything would be alright, just take your meds, get the right sleep, try to eat right & stay balanced.”

In my past, when I was in my 20’s it was when I was on vacation that I attempted suicide for the first time. For me, I thought getting away & going on vacation was all I needed to get my mind right. What happened was, there was no getting away from it. The mania was coming from within. 

We had no idea things would come to this for Alexx but we knew depression was always lurking at the door of his mind, nagging him and mania would give him these grandiose ideas that were impossible to achieve.

A few weeks before he died he even said, “I’ll probably always be suicidal.” But I reassured him, “If you get the right medication, take it and keep seeking help your mind can get the right chemical balance & you’ll be able to not only fight it but not feel that way.”

He was so sick of fighting it and trying to get the right dose of the right medication and sadly suicide over took him. 

I cry, “Oh, if I or any of us could have known or told him how much we’d miss him!!!”

All of his family, friends & I express how we wish some how we could have prevented it!

In reality I’m not sure that we could have because we all constantly showed him love & attention. Now that almost 9 months has gone by since he died I’m honestly not sure that we could have stopped it from happening any more than we could have stopped a stroke, heart attack or cancer.

Now we know how things ended. We know how he was physically & mentally and all that is left is his spirit.

It’s no secret what he did with his soul, his heart, his spirit. 

Alexx joined his heart with God in a love relationship & shared that, especially the last two years of his life. 

His physical health did not end his life. He was in great shape. His body fought the overdose he took but it could not prevail.

Spiritually he was strong & his relationship with God did not end his life.

His poor mental health is what caused him to die. 

It was nobody’s fault, no one’s lack of care. It wasn’t because we were not close enough for him to reach out and touch.

 Alexx entered into a time of complex confusion and his chemical imbalance told him to follow thru with suicide. 

We can’t change that now but we can learn from this.

We can know how much hurt & pain is left behind for others due to suicide.

We can seek help if we or someone we know starts expressing these disturbing thought.

In sharing this post it is my hope that someone,  anyone, sees it as just the edge, “The Hem of Jesus’ Garment”.

Alexx admired a young man named Mattie Montgomery. He was not only the lead singer for the band called “For Today” But he shared many videos on YouTube actually preaching God’s Word and sharing the Good News of Salvation through Jesus Christ. People like Mattie  (opening video) and my son Alexx see the need to show & tell others about the love, mercy & grace of God. 

Regardless of physical strength or mental health Alexx did this and did it well. 

 Here is one of Alexx’s messages from YouTube: 

What Alexx did with his body, mind & spirit is obvious and it is his spirit, his heart that remains.

Thank you for reading, for your continued prayers and conversations.

With all my love, care and prayers, “Alexx’s dad”


Here is the band, “For Today” of you don’t enjoy HEAVY, HARD, ROCK MUSIC turn it down…intro. is calm & soft but it builds. If metal and more is your thing, turn it up & hold on:

Here is one of Mattie Montgomery’s videos:

I may add more later.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.