Benji’s crimson heart (inspiration to a short novel)

BENIt is always very hard when someone you know dies. Questions fill my mind and heart and even effect my speak, or lack thereof.
What do you say to people that were even closer to them than you were?
How do you accept the reality of something that your mind can not process and just doesn’t seem possible or real?
The first words out of my mouth was, “No!”
Looking deep, i know there are steps people naturally take and denial is the label on that first hard, cold stone step. It is printed right there and on my forehead for anyone nearby to read. That stone step turns into tears and floods my mind and becomes a river. “a river of denial.” The river of d’nile runs deep! If i remain in it, i will drown in it. i know this because i know others this has happened to. i also know because it has happen to me. (Pause, think about this…Selah… selah~more than a good name for a band).

Without going into some type of lesson on the 4, 5 or possible 6 signs of denial or a study on the grieving process and 42 steps to wellness and self help shtuff…
we don’t always know what steps to take. We may learn different steps that help. But what about when you can not walk?
What about when you feel like you just can not take any physical steps let alone spiritual steps & some mental steps. We try processing it all and we know there are things that need to be done but you are just…….
Are you done?
Listen reader, friend, i am no better, i believe i may be better off  (my future) but i am not a better person, i am no authority on health, life or death. However, i’ve learned some things from my mistakes and muck ups.
I’ve learned what happens to others when they don’t take any steps or the wrong steps.
(Pause here again to know that it is okay to stop and rest, a time to grieve …Ecclesiastes 3…there is a time for everything, we just don’t always take or make time for those times and try to go on to other thing when what we should do is just stop.)

Turning the page and carrying on
Back to thoughts…Steps (i’m moving like Tim Conway, without the wheelchair)…. I am not “old”(that is arguable by those in their 20’s)
but i am old enough.  As i get older i am realizing how nice it share.
There is a whole world, never forget that there is a whole world out there, a whole world out there of other people. Everyone i already know and those i am meeting along the way, i want them to share things with me. When we share, especially when we are considerate of each other, respectfully sharing  both ways, somehow we realize we are not alone and we are similar in many ways. We may be different strings, different types of instruments, but we are still in the musical family (different strings -Rush song ref.).
We realize they too have sadness, joy, pain, disabilities and more. No matter how old we are, no matter what disabilities we have… we can learn from others how they deal with it or don’t deal with it and how that is working out for them as a person, another human being. If my pain has taught me nothing else it has taught me humility, it is still teaching me that i am human and others are too.
That may sound very elementary. We learn it and live it in elementary school. We learn it in class, on the playground,  at lunch, after school but some how as we grow up we some how get this idea that we are invincible and then we grow up a lil’ more (mature in other ways) and we realize (come to an understanding/wisdom/knowledge)
“We are not going to physically be able to press on as we once were.”
Our loved ones, those both older than us and younger than us, they are not going to be able to physically press on as they once did.
They will not remain the way we knew them when they were younger.
i know this is no real revelation but please share these few moments with me, i am so glad you can to visit me, even if only in the form of reading a blog post. Now that you are here and reading this you are letting me share with you.
I want  You to share with me, just share.
This isn’t some type of ploy to get more comments or hits on some youtube channel or promo some latest thing i am trying to sell you to make you thicker, thiner, smarter or more religious (please don’t do that and don’t buy it from anyone who is selling it). The more lies and cheap crap people buy the more lies and cheap crap will be manufactured.
Enough of all that…i think this we can probably all agree on but no one may say it or put it in print, especially those working for the manufacturing company of “YOU NEED THIS INC.”

Time to turn the page again

i want  You to share with me, just share.
Not give me something for pain, not help pay my bills that are falling short, not try to solve my problems and offer your opinion on …whatever, just share your life experience with me.  i will listen.  i not only want to, i need to listen.
Who am i?
Notice all the lowercase “i”s MY loving son Alexx Bailey (Click here) helps edit some of my stuff, he reads it and although we are not editors and chiefs we advise each other (LOL) yep, we do and one time he told me,
Dad your things (post) are riddled with lower case “i”s  other than that i like what you said here or there…
With “eyes wide open, and heart wide open” he lovingly shared this with me and i said,
i know son, and i hope it stays that way.
i went on to explain….
i am not going to change it because  HE>i .
For me, “i” should never be capitalized or capitalized on but Lord help us to always capitalize Him but never capitalize on HIM.
HE > us.
HE> them. ….amen?
HE is greater than (>) than all.


  • So, are there certain steps?
  • 12 of them or 42?
  • How do we get anywhere from here?
  • What do i do?
  • What do you do?
  • Is there a stairway to heaven?
  • Can we buy one? (Led Zep., get the led out,)
  • Where do i get one of those?
  • How much does it cost?
  • How much strength or ability does it take to climb?

i’m very weak right now.

i know ‘no body’ here can  really help me climb.

Turn the page yet again
Sure, there are steps.
If there is a Jacob’s Ladder for angels, then you know there are some rungs that would be worth climbing for us. They are worth climbing  more than any  corporate ladder this world sets up, or could even offer.
The conditional corporate world’s ladder leads to just more muck. i’ve been there, tried that. Others have shared with me that they’ve been there, done that. Some that share with me are still bitter from the muck and mire they got in their mouth from it.
Each one of us need to find out what the cost is for us. We all come to a point, hopefully,  where we consider how to pay for those steps. IS there some type of “layaway” plan? …i personally have had mine paid for in full and i have to be reminded of that. I keep trying to make payments and the upper management keys reminding me,
“hello? tom beetle bailey, they are already paid for, now enjoy them, use those steps, press on the best you can, we got your back “mister”. It is all under control sir.”
That puts me at ease, but i guess it is my short term memory loss that causes me to say,
“i got it…wait, i lost it again.”
It is then upper management calls me again and say,
Mr. Bailey, may i call you tom? or beetle?  The real problem lies hidden beneath your short comings so when you say, “I” got it, there lies the problem. We have it under control sir and The Lord is taking care of everything, you just breathe and take one step at a time…don’t skip some or take 2 to 4 at a time, you’ll overdose. Now go back to work, just being you and be sure to acknowledge  and represent the company you are in an agreement with, please.
Those steps are right before me but only i can take the steps for me. Only i can climb this and get thru this, no one can do it for me. i have to get up and go forward, onward (onward by the band YES) and upward. i can and will but i know also i am too weak to do it alone. My Father is not currently living here. Oh yes, He is in my heart, His Spirit is supernatural and helps me from the inside out but i need a friend in the flesh who is not all about the flesh, if ya know what i mean. i am too old, mature, wise enough now for all that playing around and doing things that don’t really last and end up just making me sick, offer false hope, and give disease rather than solutions for my disabilities and pain. My Father gives me wisdom enough to know the difference between what i can not change and i am coming to just accept that. He also has, as i’ve said before, helped me grow some ballistic courage recently. It’s nice. Very helpful and others seem to be encouraged by it too. It only comes from Him. fully relying on God and resting is not some type of temporary fix.
Jesus is not a crutch, He is a stretcher because you can not even limp into heaven without him” -Greg X. Voltz (click here for full concert invite)
I am only 47 as i write this but i got serious about attempting to develop this relationship when i was around 13 or 14 years old. He is still working on me and i don’t think He and i will be done this construction, reconstruction and remodeling until the day i die.

It is time to turn another page
~More steps~
Man,  this stairway is long, this ladder has a lot of rungs!
There are steps to take  but some of them are so natural, they just happen. We take them without even thinking, or processing them fully and then we wake up and realize,
OH…i am already on that one or this one.
Sometimes it seems that we wake up and say, how did i get back three steps down rather than up? Or does it just seem like i am falling back?
Sometime we figure out why we fell or stumbled and we want to fully process that, and that won’t hurt to consider it all but when it comes right down to it…
we are where we are right now (VanHalen Ref).

Turn to a new page

How do we go up from here and how do we keep from doing the same thing over and over but expecting something different to be the outcome?
We’ve learn so much and what we don’t know we can google or ask a pro. and get advice, opinions, 2nd opinions and even some scientific facts. Those facts and opinions always get mixed up -(Inside Out Movie Ref.) However, in this day and age we do know more about human traits and how most of us react to situations and circumstances.

Let me just stop here for a moment.

Reader, you stop too…. maybe exit this post or look away or shut down your computer. Shut down but don’t shut up… talk about something, whatever is on your heart,  out loud with The Heavenly Father, creator of life who giveth and taketh away.

If you just do not believe in Him, it is okay, He believes in YOU.
When you talk to Him, even if you missed church 1 Sunday or you have never even gone 1 Sunday,  make sure you are engaged and open up.
Make it a two way conversation. Listen, don’t do all the talking. Just start by addressing Him, even if that is,
“God, whoever you are. i don’t really know you or understand you but i want to acknowledge you just now…the one who made me.”
 Don’t  just spout out some prayer you learned from sunday school or from a good catholic friend or you hear in some movie.
Listen … Listen to the Heavenly Father but don’t listen to the father of lies because he too will speak (trash talk) while you’re trying to speak to the Heavenly Father.

Given a new page
How can we carry on with simple daily life and activities and necessities let alone required responsibilities?
Moment by moment
Do it moment by moment, not day by day, not one day at a time. Moment by moment, time means nothing. The calendar, the seasons…they mean nothing right now. Our cell phones and bills and reminders will all be there is we just drop them for a few min. a day or a few days. I know it is hard to lay those things down, they are important in their own way and to every body else you are accountable to but right now you may notice that even basic needs like  money, food, water, where you sleep tonight…it all means nothing.
If you are truly grieving right now, you realize time stands still while the cold cruel world and creation itself is made to eventually die. The  demands of all that we know around us now carries on like a whirlwind. It circles on around us just over head like a buzzard waiting for us to die so it can have something to eat. It would eat you alive and sometimes tries but most of us are stronger than that and seem to have a Spirit in us that helps us get thru another day, another hour, another…moment.
For some, depending on who you are missing right now and how they were taken from you, as well as, how much time you did or didn’t spend with them it may be harder for you than for others who miss them too.
We all just need to take this time  moment by moment. Get up on that step, step one, it is painful but worth it. As you climb be sure to take time and rest, right there on one of the steps. Maybe your already on step 47 and you’ve been able to take one step a year. The Heavenly Father is patient with us, unlike family and friends we know here. He will wait, remember HE is the one lifting you up, one step at a time. One moment to the next. HIM, not we ourselves.
There may be several steps in a row or one step in particularly here and there that you need to camp out on for a little while.
…………..It is okay, it is all going to be O.K………..

Pages closer to the end

Don’t try to take two steps at a time thinking you will get there before everyone else and you can do this because your some supershit. No, just one step here, then another, then another. Not comparing yourself with other people’s progress or letting them tell you about your progress, they don’t know yours any more than you truly know theirs. Not worried any longer if you used the word shit while limping straining to get to the next level playing field. No longer bothered because you  no longer seek THEIR approval. IT doesn’t really matter if they approve or disapprove every lil’ thing you do or don’t do according to their gospel. It is not us vs. them.
It is each individual child developing a personal relationship with the one who gave them life and who will decide when  that child (although sometimes a full grown mature adult) is to  die.
Do we offend the heavenly Father?
  • Maybe, if we don’t talk and listen to Him i think that would offend me if you never thanked me for our friendship or love.
  • If we don’t follow rules that He gives us for our own safety, not to be a kill joy or control us, then
  • YES WE DO OFFEND HIM. That is made very clear

but when another human makes it sound like HIS commands are their rules rather than letting God show all of us why those barriers,barricades, commands are there it seems to cause us to just want to jump over the bar and off the cliff.

Are Commands the same as demands?

We all get mucked up. Sometime we do things when we get mucked up and those very things just muck us up more. Welcome to the world, hello, it is part of our old nature (Romans Chapter 6 & 7)
It is more natural to do that than to not offend Him. i came to realize i didn’t want to hurt HIm anymore. I didn’t want there to be anything that came between me and Him because without Him i lost the will to survive and thrive in life. After all, He is the source. He is the source not only for life here and now but He is so powerful that He is also able to be the source for life after this life.  (Romans 8)
From what i know of Him in my personal relationship, He doesn’t like a lot of words, He doesn’t place more priority on any particular word or decide what words should or should not be used between Him and each individually. He doesn’t control us like a puppet, He doesn’t forbit us to dress, talk or pray any particular wa. He does make it clear how we should love Him and love each other, treat Him and treat each other and He does ask us,
“If you are going to call me and call on me and use my name, use it well, wisely and for Christ sake, not yourself, not in vain.”
When we call on Him with our voice or WITH OUR ACTIONS are we doing it in vein? I think that may be the question that matters and what we should focus on. I’m not sure there is a word that He can’t stand to hear, He invented the words and allows us to speak them (even with sign language if needed) but i recently realized we can curse Him and offend Him when our actions are saying one thing and our words are saying something else.
We guard our lips more than we guard our actions and our heart. We watch what we say more than what we are doing and actions do speak louder than words. They do.
We are sometime so concerned with what is coming out of our mouths that we forget to see those around us who need to see God’s characters in us.
We do not see them sometimes. We look the other way or we say with our actions, i am above you on this step, i am better than you, look at me! And the whole time rather than letting Christ pull them up onto the step we are on our actions are shoving them off the step they made it to and tossing them backward all the way to the rock bottom.
Are we more powerful than God?
God allows freewill (rush song ref.)
He wants everyone in Glory.
However, He allows us to choose freely, out of love, not obligation. His love and acceptance is unconditional. We can accept His gift or reject it, just believe and find out where this relationship goes or just don’t believe it…
He also allows us to interact with others.
We are given the opportunity to paint an accurate  picture of Him as a reflection of Him and who He really is
Cause people to say,
How wonderful it would be if we were as concerned with our actions as we were about what words are o.k. to use or not use.
I love when people watch their mouth but appreciate it more when they watch their actions and try not to offend others with those.


When translating the Holy Bible years ago they would use the word harlot and somehow that is ok but don’t say, “Gomer was a whore” (Hosea 1:2)
When reading one of the 1st translations you will read the word ass. You will read the word prick. Do we soften that so the reader isn’t offended by the Word of God when translated? Do we translate that word harlot into prostitute or whore so the reader says,
Oh yeah i know what a whore is!”
Or just keep reading it and not translating it and use another word that one could say in church without raising any eye brows and whispering,
He has a potty mouth.
Or spend time debating what John the meant when he said,
” “You brood of vipers!” (Lk. 3:7 NIV)
Have a business type meeting or church board meeting over why or how  Jesus would call the religious leaders of His day
You are like whitewashed tombs, whitewashed tombs? (Mt. 23:27 NIV)
Then talk and try to decide to change the color of our song book from white to red because the red represents the blood of Jesus but others argue the white stand for His purity yet others might say the white reminds me of when Jesus said that thing about white washed something or others and i just don’t like any changes. The 1 youth representative says, ‘we gotta change or become stagnant.’  Then another speaks over the youth, what do they know, gians order by offering the fact that “The white ones get too dirty, the white scrapes against the holder we put them in and then they look dirty and we don’t want people to look at them and say, ‘look how dirty this songbook is…this must be a dirty church!’  and as a church we  don’t want to represent that!”
meanwhile, you are sitting there not just reading this, i hope your head is in that room with that community/church board/elders with one youth….and you are thinking
Are song books that important? i wanna go back to singing without instrument and not fight about the cover of some book.
ah, to just belt out amazing grace (all verses) at times like this, turn the focus back on what He has done for us, not what we are doing for Him.
Meanwhile, back in the meeting….
Another starts thinking more and more about the color of the song book while another starts thinking about how to pad the holder on the back of each pew (chair) so that the books won’t turn 50 shades of gray….their mind wonders and they think about some other book and then they come back mentally and check back in and by this time someone else is raising their voice because they proclaim that they don’t want to give people attending and newcomers the impression that , like the color of their song book this church and its congregation is off color in any way, form or fashion and….blah blah blah….turns into baal….baal….baal….and other idols and meaningless shtuff to get out eyes off what really matters….
God The Father, God The Son God, The Holy Spirit
how to interact with Him, each other and develop a plan to live with Him here as well as on into eternity.
That is only possible
NO ONE can tell you, teach you, convert you into the perfect person you must be to get there.
If those who didn’t care if they offended Him, those who don’t want to consider Him or think they don’t need Him, that He is not real…if people with that mind and heart set  all lived there too….
how would Heaven be any different that earth?
People will try to convert you, save you, get you to get off the  darkside (star wars ref.).  They can try, they may try with an overzealous attempts and drive you nuts, they do it out of love and concern but they drive you nuts and sometimes you feel further away when they get in the way and you let them and their ways drive you further away from Glory and into a relationship here and now.
i know this because i’ve been on both sides. i am not in the middle now. i’ve been on the side where people are pushing and pulling me and then i started a relationship with Christ and then i saw the push and pull still going on. i am sure that i’ve pushed and pulled or come across that way, i don’t mean to, i just really believe and want others to have the same joy i do.
Their ways, my ways, our ways are not God’s ways.
You know, sometimes we forget.
The Lord God said,
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”
We forget, we do, we are human. We want to make sure loved ones know God loves em’ and sometimes we don’t show it or we show it by doing what some consider ‘shoving it down their throat yelling….
“It may taste bad but take it, it is good for you!!! JUST TAKE IT!!!!! HERE, TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKEIT!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Are you sick of trying to take it the way it is offered to you?
Are you sick?
Are you maybe sick and don’t know it and others are quick to tell you how sick you really are and why you are sick?
Maybe…just maybe we are all sick.
Maybe we are all going to die someday.
hmmmm, yeah i think i can say with certainty that we will all die .
I can say with certainty a lot of things and share with anyone and everyone how i find peace, love, comfort even while knee deep in manure and a mucked up world.
IT doesn’t bring a smile to my face when i am in pain or grieving not being able to see my loved one again but it keeps me sane.
It, HE, Jesus, send this strange, unknown, unexplainable

Final pages
the death of a loved one causes us to consider a lot.
Crazy how death makes us mad at life one min. and then glad we are still alive the next.
We get mad at God, the God of creation for taking someone’s life, allowing it to happen but then we realize we are still here and we consider is there something better than here? Is there? What do you know? what do you believe? Does what YOU believe really matter to you?
What i believe matters to me, it don’t mean anything to some others but  there is nothing they can do to add or take away from my life unless i let them.
So now, i will continue to climb and i will accept the encouragement from others also climbing but i WILL NOT any longer listen to the father of lies and his false accusations, assumptions and twisting of all that is good. I will not let him pull any triggers or push any buttons any longer.
I will live life and live life more abundantly (to the max.) and get to know this Heavenly Father, who somehow touched my heart and is speaking and teaching me.
Here is what i’d like to wrap this post up with….
I always like to see the last thing someone posted on social media.
Here is what i found with my friend James Benjamin Dailey (“Benji” to those of us at The School for officer’s Training back in 1990-1992).
Won 5 Bonus FREE Coins! Play Crystal Island today!
TomBeetle Bailey
TomBeetle BaileyI always like to see the last thing someone posted, I Praise Our Lord Jesus Christ because my long term friend that i’ve know for years but was only able to be around from 1990-1992 is now enjoying the rest of his days in a much better place than this old world. Father i pray in the name of your son Jesus Christ, that you will find me worthy because of His shed blood; to get daily bonuses while remaining here on earth and on that final day, my final day, that i too, like Benji, will dwell in your house forevermore. In the name and for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.

James Benjamin Dailey is no longer playing crystal island he is living in THE Crystal City (read all about it).

I too ‘won 5 Bonus FREE Coins!’

and much more.

Dear Family, friends, those who knew ben, those who never knew him but you know his family, those who just stumbled across this blog post…you are being given free coins, gifts, talents, all kinds of blessings in many different ways.

Use them wisely while you can.

Your entrance fee to heaven (the crystal city) is paid for.

No amount of work will get you there but play, work, rest like you mean it and you want to please the One who holds the keys not only to life but also to death.

Accept and believe this in your own time.

Don’t let anyone push you or shove you.

IF you already know ‘The Way’ share it don’t shove it.

If you want to know ‘The Way’ He is listening….

ask HIM.

Pressing onward,


……….Comments and credits below as they come…….

Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink— even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk— it’s all free!
Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food.
“Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, and you will find life. I will make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David.
See how I used him to display my power among the peoples. I made him a leader among the nations.
You also will command nations you do not know, and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey, because I, the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious.”
Seek the LORD while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near.
Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the LORD that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD . “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
Isaiah 55:1-8
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
“The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry.
It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the LORD ’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”
(found in Is. 55:9-13)
click here to read it in pretty much any version/translation you want or need…this link leads to the new living translation. I recommend for anyone you know who is visually impared, you (as well as they) can listen to it there.

Comment below

4 thoughts on “Benji’s crimson heart (inspiration to a short novel)

  1. For your consideration:

    so many songs sample parts of this song… so many times you may have heard it or parts of it and not even known the original….
    Listen to this and think about you and the maker (God) of life and death.
    Life makes so much more sense when we think and consider making HIM be the master, Lord of our life and we can sing with confidence as we mature, “it does take two to make a thing go right!” HE > me and HE is for me, for you when we say “2” and #1 person is HIM we are much happier being #2 and 2nd place to HIM.
    “Think (About It)” – Lyn Collins (1972) Written and produced by James Brown
    Band: The J.B.’s.

    “Copyright Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for “fair use” for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.”
    “Think (About It)” by Lyn Collins (iTunes • AmazonMP3)


  2. Lyric video for “Sick of It” off of Skillet’s new album RISE created from #SickofIt fan photos submitted on Instagram.
    New Album RISE featuring “Sick of It” and “Not Gonna Die”
    Get RISE (Deluxe Version) on iTunes:
    Get RISE on iTunes:

    Get “Sick of It” on iTunes here:

    Connect With Skillet:
    “Sick of It” by Skillet (iTunes • AmazonMP3)
    Standard YouTube License


    of D&K Band


  3. Sick and tired of this old body and this old world, but i will do my best to love those who are in it with me… here is how:

    You are more than welcome to snoop around my whole blog, look for a title that catches your eye, that is what i do with other people’s blogs (OPB) 😉

    I am just thrilled to have the opportunity to publish things online like this…for years, since i was 8 yrs old, i’ve been keeping journals and keeping most of what i write to myself.

    PLEASE NOW in the post above there are lots of links to OPB and links to video. The colored letters are an effect but some of the colored letters are links, depending on your computer. Just swipe you cursor over those different colors (probably blue and underlined maybe) and you’ll notice, IT IS AN EASTER EGG.!!!! follow that rabbit alice (do i need to even give that ref.)

    As i was adding to this, trying to edit above post, i thought how wonderful it would be if someone sat down to read what i wrote and got distracted and led by God into something HE wants to say to them…something completely unrelated to what i originally wrote.

    DISTRACTION can be wonderful and a very helpful coping mechanism.




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